Day 34 (6/2/22)

Up, down and sideways day today.

I think I realise what’s been plaguing me this week. It’s the draw of my mind to my phone.

This isn’t uncommon for me, whenever I get stressed or am anxious my draw to my phone gets larger. It’s almost like a safety net for me to escape the world. It’s probably because I’m about to take a large step out of my comfort zone a week tomorrow and I have several questions that need answering.

Am I good enough for this?

Do I know what I’m doing?

Am I ready..?

Naturally, all those answers should be ‘yes’ as I have learnt so much about myself over my career and how I work, as well as how I could convey this information to other athletes. But this is a natural occurrence for me when I make a big move.

With swimming I have done the same in the past. When I was at World university games in 2017, I’d put myself in the best preparation possible and cruised into the final of the 400 fastest. However before the race I get very nervous and panicky and didn’t have the control or mechanisms in place to help deal with it.

Naturally in the final, by giving more effort I went slower, I was erratic and not smooth. I still finished 2nd, but on that day, I reckon I was potentially in shape to win it (would’ve been a 2-3 second pb so big ask). But sometimes I have struggled to get out of my own way in the past.

Now, thanks to my amazing sport psych Zeynep, I have made some really good progress and understand how to deal with these issues now,

But this job feels like a new challenge for me. And I think because of that, I’m reverting back to ‘safe’ habits which are also ‘bad’ habits for me.

I’ve felt as close to 2020-21 me the backend of this week than I have all week. But it doesn’t have to be a permanent thing, and it’s completely ok to have a bad day. Unlike before, I know I’ll break the cycle before too long.